I remember

I remember seeing this picture of you.

I remember knowing that you were meant to be my son. I had stopped following all adoption blogs and deleted most of my adoption friends because I just knew that we were not going to be able to adopt. I couldn't stop following Katie's story though. I could not believe that I lived in a World that would allow a 9 year old little girl to be so small. Then I saw you. God led me to you. I had so many plans for you. I knew you would achieve great things. I fought for you. I wanted to pick up and move to Bulgaria just to be close to you. Leaving you behind was the hardest thing I had done in my life, and I had done some hard things. I was so thankful to have you home. I told everyone how happy I was that I would never have to say goodbye to you again. I barely left your side. I would panic if I was more than a room away from you. I left you with Poppy and Grandma a couple of times, but I refused to be more than 10 mins away. Even leaving the hospital when daddy was with you a couple times felt like torture. I didn't understand. I had never really been the overbearing type, but I needed to be with you probably more than you needed me there. I remember having gone to get food one time while you were in the hospital. I came back and you were crying. As soon as I said your name, you stopped and smiled up at me. I still treasure those moments. God was so kind to me and gave me an angel on Earth. I thought life could not get any better. Then you got so sick. I had this horrible feeling that I was going to have to send you home. Everyone else did not believe me. They kept saying everything would be fine. After a while, though, God made it clear. He was asking me to say goodbye to you again. I didn't want to do it. I couldn't imagine not holding you in my arms. I couldn't imagine not seeing your smile each morning and hearing the music of your laugh each day. I had perfection at my finger tips and God wanted me to "give it back." I didn't think I was strong enough. I know I wasn't. God gave me strength and he gave you the strength. I remember one night, God gave me the most amazing gift. He allowed us to communicate. You used the words yes and no to answer questions for me. I remember asking you (not expecting an answer) Adam, are you going to stay with mama? You said no. I asked you if you wanted to be with Jesus and you said Yes. I asked if you wanted me to take you back to the doctors so they could make you better and you said no. I asked you if you were done fighting and you said yes. I asked if you wanted me to let you go and you said yes. I thought I was imagining this whole conversation so I asked all the questions multiple times and in multiple ways and each time the answers were the same. Your time on Earth was done, and you knew it. You used your last bit of strength to tell me that it would be ok. To let me know that you needed to return home. You comforted me. I promised you then that I would hold you until your last breathe. I never left your side. I stopped sleeping for fear that you would die alone. I still don't sleep baby boy. I miss you too much.

Pain....

I carry a pain with me each and every day that nobody can truly understand. To be honest, I do not understand it myself. Some days, I feel happy, motivated and capable. Other days I feel empty, lost and defeated. I will probably never know in this life why I was asked to fight so hard for my son, hold him for 9 months then return him home to God. I will never be the same again. This is both a good and a bad thing.... I would not change it for anything..... as crazy as that may sound. If I would have known that Adam was going to die, would I have still brought him home? I get asked that a lot. Despite the pain that losing him has caused, I can say without a doubt that adopting "MY SON" was one of (if not 'the') best things I have done in my life. The love that child gave of so freely was what I imagine the love of Jesus to be like. The joy he had (in spite of the massive pain and suffering he endured daily) taught so many people a valuable lesson. I wish that there were more "Adams" on this Earth because I am telling you, that you could not be in his presence and not smile. He exuded pure joy, happiness and love. I often miss that presence in my home......

This picture was taken exactly 2 weeks before he passed. You would never know that he was in excruciating pain. The type of pain that could bring the strongest of men to their knees begging for relief. Yet he smiled.  You would never know that his brain was bleeding so badly that it was exiting his skull and pooling in his throat and chest just under the skin. Because he chose to smile. You taught me so much baby boy. You didn't need to talk, see, hold your own head up, walk, stand or anything else to convey God's message. You were God's message!!! I miss you!!!!