I often wonder. What does he think when he looks down on me from Heaven?
I know he sees me crying. I know he sees the way my eyes fill with sadness at every single fun event because he is not here to share it with us. I know he sees the love I have for him.
He sees me more than anyone else, so what is he thinking?
Does he wonder how I can be so weak? Does he think I should just "move on"? Does he wonder why I still cry myself to sleep at night? Does he know how much I love him? Does he realize that there is a void in my heart that nobody else can ever fill? Does he realize that I often feel like love is a weakness because I am afraid of missing someone as much as I miss him? Does he know that I am afraid to adopt again because the idea of losing another child is too painful? Does he see how hard it is for me to help other adopting families fundraise? Does he know that I continue to fight for orphans because I promised him I would? Does he know that even in his death, he made me a better person? Does he know that my heart will never heal? Does he know that I am scared all the time? Does he see how fake I am now that he is gone? Does he know that I needed to take care of him? Does he know that I needed him more than he ever needed me?
I hope he doesn't see all of those things. I hope for him to see something entirely different..... It is what keeps me going. It is what makes me "fake" being stronger than I am.
I hope he sees the love that I have for him. I hope he sees that the love I have for him is a love that will never diminish. I hope he that as he talks with Jesus, he realizes that I only cry because I love him. I hope he knows that I am so happy that he is out of pain and free of the tortures of this World. I hope he knows that as much as I am hurting, I would do it a million times over if it meant having him for even a minute. I hope he knows that he filled my life with a joy I didn't even know was possible. I hope he knows that I fought hard for him. I hope he knows that I never meant to let those doctors hurt him. I hope he knows that I will never regret adopting him. I hope he knows that he was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I hope he knows that I share his story with the World because he is worth sharing.
I have so much hope for so many things, but I am not quite strong enough to make them happen. I hope I can live a life that he can be proud of. I hope that he looks down on me and says with joy "That is my mom." I hope that I can live worthy of being an Angel's mother. I hope that I can stop letting people down. I hope that I can find a way to be strong. I hope I can stop pretending one day. I hope that I can find joy and happiness. I hope that I can earn FOREVER as his mom.
I always thought time would ease my pain, but all time has done is made me hide it. I don't want people to know how truly weak I am. I lost so much when I lost my son.