Pain....

I carry a pain with me each and every day that nobody can truly understand. To be honest, I do not understand it myself. Some days, I feel happy, motivated and capable. Other days I feel empty, lost and defeated. I will probably never know in this life why I was asked to fight so hard for my son, hold him for 9 months then return him home to God. I will never be the same again. This is both a good and a bad thing.... I would not change it for anything..... as crazy as that may sound. If I would have known that Adam was going to die, would I have still brought him home? I get asked that a lot. Despite the pain that losing him has caused, I can say without a doubt that adopting "MY SON" was one of (if not 'the') best things I have done in my life. The love that child gave of so freely was what I imagine the love of Jesus to be like. The joy he had (in spite of the massive pain and suffering he endured daily) taught so many people a valuable lesson. I wish that there were more "Adams" on this Earth because I am telling you, that you could not be in his presence and not smile. He exuded pure joy, happiness and love. I often miss that presence in my home......

This picture was taken exactly 2 weeks before he passed. You would never know that he was in excruciating pain. The type of pain that could bring the strongest of men to their knees begging for relief. Yet he smiled.  You would never know that his brain was bleeding so badly that it was exiting his skull and pooling in his throat and chest just under the skin. Because he chose to smile. You taught me so much baby boy. You didn't need to talk, see, hold your own head up, walk, stand or anything else to convey God's message. You were God's message!!! I miss you!!!!