From Alosha to Matthias

13 years ago across the ocean in Bulgaria, a mom gave birth to a baby girl AND a baby boy. She took them home from the hospital, but a couple of days later, she dropped them off at a nearby orphanage. Had she done this with her previous 4 children?

These two sweet babies were forced to spend the beginning of their precious lives in an orphanage without knowing love. The tragedy did not end there. In their country, and most countries if I'm being honest, people are more likely to adopt girls. Well, that stands true here. I am not sure when they were separated, but the baby girl was adopted and her twin brother was left behind.

When the child was about 5, a single mother from Germany decided to step forward and adopt Alosha, the twin brother. After coming to visit him and spend some time with him, she changed her mind. She said she did not want a child as dumb and damaged as him.

Luckily, it did not take long for another family to see him. Just a few days before his sixth birthday, I showed his picture to Kevin and asked if he felt that this sweet boy could be our son. Within just moments, he responded that he felt we needed to bring this boy home. We quickly altered our home study, and on his sixth birthday, we committed to bring sweet Alosha home.

6 months later, at the age of 6, his name was changed from Alosha to Matthias and he became part of a family. He went from being alone to being a middle child of 5. He had two older sisters, a younger sister and a new little brother. He also had a mom and dad that loved him more than life itself. On August 4, 2013, we took him from the orphanage forever. On August 10th, he arrived home to his family and friends.

Today, marks a big event for this sweet boy.... 2 big events really. He turns 13!!! That means he is a teenager, but it also means that he has officially had more birthdays with a family than he has without. That is huge!!! In just a few short weeks he will have been with us longer than he was in the orphanage!!! So lucky to have this boy in our lives!'


Happy Birthday Matthias!!

How did I not know I needed you?

It was minutes before midnight on July 30, 2016. You walked through the door with "Kevin" looking exhausted, uneasy and timid. I could tell you weren't quite sure this was where you wanted to be. The uncertainty in your eyes was obvious.

We had a long talk that night. You weren't quite sure what place you wanted in our lives. Would we be your cousins? Your parents? Your guardians? What would our role be? What role would you play? Would you like it here? Would you fit in? We all had so many questions. We knew we didn't need answers right away. We were strangers now living under the same roof.

We were "Kevin and Jaclyn". We were the people you lived with..... nothing more.... not yet. We were in the "honeymoon period". We all tried our best to get along, to find our new normal, and to figure out "who" the other person was.

We introduced you to the family. They all loved you right away. I did too, but I couldn't tell you right away. I didn't want to scare you. We started making memories. A camping trip. Boondocks. Church. Family Home Evening.....

As days turned into weeks we became "Mom" and "Dad". You became our oldest son. Our bond grew stronger than I ever thought possible. I looked forward to seeing you after work/school. I wanted to hear how your day went. I wanted to know you were happy. I wanted to know that you "felt" it too. The love between a mother and her son. There is nothing quite like it. I feared our chance was lost long ago. You are too old. I am a stranger. I was wrong. I love you more with each passing moment. I look back, and it is hard for me to remember my life without you. My future always has you in it.

I always say "The mom days are gone". Some of them are. The "traditional" mom days are over. We will just have to be "untraditional" and create our own bond in our own way. I love spending time with you. I love getting to know you. I love that you are my son forever.

I know we tease you a lot, but your dad and I love you more than you will ever know.

What is he thinking?

I often wonder. What does he think when he looks down on me from Heaven?

I know he sees me crying. I know he sees the way my eyes fill with sadness at every single fun event because he is not here to share it with us. I know he sees the love I have for him. 

He sees me more than anyone else, so what is he thinking?

Does he wonder how I can be so weak? Does he think I should just "move on"? Does he wonder why I still cry myself to sleep at night? Does he know how much I love him? Does he realize that there is a void in my heart that nobody else can ever fill? Does he realize that I often feel like love is a weakness because I am afraid of missing someone as much as I miss him? Does he know that I am afraid to adopt again because the idea of losing another child is too painful? Does he see how hard it is for me to help other adopting families fundraise? Does he know that I continue to fight for orphans because I promised him I would? Does he know that even in his death, he made me a better person? Does he know that my heart will never heal? Does he know that I am scared all the time? Does he see how fake I am now that he is gone? Does he know that I needed to take care of him? Does he know that I needed him more than he ever needed me? 

I hope he doesn't see all of those things. I hope for him to see something entirely different..... It is what keeps me going. It is what makes me "fake" being stronger than I am.

I hope he sees the love that I have for him. I hope he sees that the love I have for him is a love that will never diminish. I hope he that as he talks with Jesus, he realizes that I only cry because I love him. I hope he knows that I am so happy that he is out of pain and free of the tortures of this World. I hope he knows that as much as I am hurting, I would do it a million times over if it meant having him for even a minute. I hope he knows that he filled my life with a joy I didn't even know was possible. I hope he knows that I fought hard for him. I hope he knows that I never meant to let those doctors hurt him. I hope he knows that I will never regret adopting him. I hope he knows that he was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I hope he knows that I share his story with the World because he is worth sharing. 

I have so much hope for so many things, but I am not quite strong enough to make them happen. I hope I can live a life that he can be proud of. I hope that he looks down on me and says with joy "That is my mom." I hope that I can live worthy of being an Angel's mother. I hope that I can stop letting people down. I hope that I can find a way to be strong. I hope I can stop pretending one day. I hope that I can find joy and happiness. I hope that I can earn FOREVER as his mom.

I always thought time would ease my pain, but all time has done is made me hide it. I don't want people to know how truly weak I am. I lost so much when I lost my son. 

I remember

I remember seeing this picture of you.

I remember knowing that you were meant to be my son. I had stopped following all adoption blogs and deleted most of my adoption friends because I just knew that we were not going to be able to adopt. I couldn't stop following Katie's story though. I could not believe that I lived in a World that would allow a 9 year old little girl to be so small. Then I saw you. God led me to you. I had so many plans for you. I knew you would achieve great things. I fought for you. I wanted to pick up and move to Bulgaria just to be close to you. Leaving you behind was the hardest thing I had done in my life, and I had done some hard things. I was so thankful to have you home. I told everyone how happy I was that I would never have to say goodbye to you again. I barely left your side. I would panic if I was more than a room away from you. I left you with Poppy and Grandma a couple of times, but I refused to be more than 10 mins away. Even leaving the hospital when daddy was with you a couple times felt like torture. I didn't understand. I had never really been the overbearing type, but I needed to be with you probably more than you needed me there. I remember having gone to get food one time while you were in the hospital. I came back and you were crying. As soon as I said your name, you stopped and smiled up at me. I still treasure those moments. God was so kind to me and gave me an angel on Earth. I thought life could not get any better. Then you got so sick. I had this horrible feeling that I was going to have to send you home. Everyone else did not believe me. They kept saying everything would be fine. After a while, though, God made it clear. He was asking me to say goodbye to you again. I didn't want to do it. I couldn't imagine not holding you in my arms. I couldn't imagine not seeing your smile each morning and hearing the music of your laugh each day. I had perfection at my finger tips and God wanted me to "give it back." I didn't think I was strong enough. I know I wasn't. God gave me strength and he gave you the strength. I remember one night, God gave me the most amazing gift. He allowed us to communicate. You used the words yes and no to answer questions for me. I remember asking you (not expecting an answer) Adam, are you going to stay with mama? You said no. I asked you if you wanted to be with Jesus and you said Yes. I asked if you wanted me to take you back to the doctors so they could make you better and you said no. I asked you if you were done fighting and you said yes. I asked if you wanted me to let you go and you said yes. I thought I was imagining this whole conversation so I asked all the questions multiple times and in multiple ways and each time the answers were the same. Your time on Earth was done, and you knew it. You used your last bit of strength to tell me that it would be ok. To let me know that you needed to return home. You comforted me. I promised you then that I would hold you until your last breathe. I never left your side. I stopped sleeping for fear that you would die alone. I still don't sleep baby boy. I miss you too much.

Pain....

I carry a pain with me each and every day that nobody can truly understand. To be honest, I do not understand it myself. Some days, I feel happy, motivated and capable. Other days I feel empty, lost and defeated. I will probably never know in this life why I was asked to fight so hard for my son, hold him for 9 months then return him home to God. I will never be the same again. This is both a good and a bad thing.... I would not change it for anything..... as crazy as that may sound. If I would have known that Adam was going to die, would I have still brought him home? I get asked that a lot. Despite the pain that losing him has caused, I can say without a doubt that adopting "MY SON" was one of (if not 'the') best things I have done in my life. The love that child gave of so freely was what I imagine the love of Jesus to be like. The joy he had (in spite of the massive pain and suffering he endured daily) taught so many people a valuable lesson. I wish that there were more "Adams" on this Earth because I am telling you, that you could not be in his presence and not smile. He exuded pure joy, happiness and love. I often miss that presence in my home......

This picture was taken exactly 2 weeks before he passed. You would never know that he was in excruciating pain. The type of pain that could bring the strongest of men to their knees begging for relief. Yet he smiled.  You would never know that his brain was bleeding so badly that it was exiting his skull and pooling in his throat and chest just under the skin. Because he chose to smile. You taught me so much baby boy. You didn't need to talk, see, hold your own head up, walk, stand or anything else to convey God's message. You were God's message!!! I miss you!!!!

A letter to my children

Dear Children,

I hope I am teaching you to be selfless, responisble, respectful, and honest individuals. I hope I teach you to be a leader, but not the type of leader who puts themself ahead of others. I hope I teach you to serve others. I hope I teach you that no matter what you will always have me by your side. I hope I teach you that I love you more than you can ever truly comprehend until you become a parent, but I will never be able to love you as much as God does. I will never be able to offer you a gift as valuable as the gift your brother Jesus Christ gave you. I hope you know that I do not love you in spite of your difference. I love you because of your differences. I do not and never will love you all the same. I love you all in a unique way because our relationship is unique just as each of us are unique.

I have high expectations from you. I expect you to learn from your mistakes and grow from them. I expect you to give 100% in all you do. I expect you to exceed the expectations of the World because the World has continued to lower their standards. I expect you to continue to be accepting of all people. I expect you to help others as often as possible. I expect you to give to others. I expect you to be a graceful loser and a humble winner. I expect you to show respect for people and property at all times. I expect you to be honest at all times. I expect you to try your best to be like Christ in the way you love and care for others. I expect you to live in a way that makes you worthy to live with God again. I do not expect perfection though.... just 100% effort.

I will do my best to teach you these things by example. I promise to not be a "do as I say not as I do" type of parent. I promise to listen to you. I promise to have fun with you. I promise to do my best to find appropriate consequences that will help you learn rather than to "punish" you. I promise to be fair. I promise to respect you as an individual, but that doesn't mean that you do not have to earn it. I promise to support you in all your endeavors. I promise to love you unconditionally. I hope you know by now that a promise means a lot to me. I hope you trust it to be true when I make you a promise.

I love you always and forever,
Mom

How do we teach our children the principles of Liberty and Patriotism in the home?

Hello Brothers and Sisters. For those who do not know me (which is just about every one of you) I am Jaclyn Mitchell. We moved into the ward 2 weeks ago. My husband Kevin and I have been married for 14 years and have known each other for 20 years. We have 5 beautiful children. Kaitlyn just turned 10, Brittany is about to turn 9 next month, Matthias turned 8 this past January, Our Angel baby Adam would have been 8 last month, but, being too perfect for this World, returned to be with our Father in Heaven last summer, and our baby Alyssa turned 6 last month. I will save myself some time later in the hallway from those who were listening..... How is it possible to have 3 8 year olds at the same time. Our 2 boys were adopted from Bulgaria, and we brought them home when they were 6 years old. Our son Matthias is deaf, although he has cochlear implants, he does not speak, understand speech or sign. He does not walk on his own and he is dependant on us for all his day to day needs. As was our sweet Adam. 

Well, moving right along..... Brother Batemen stopped by our home on Friday evening. He asked me to speak on how we teach our children the principles of Liberty and Patriotism in the home. I agreed then later questioned my ability to do this topic justice. Afterall, what is Patriotism? Webster says it is "Love for or devotion to one's Country". Ok.... so what is Liberty? Wester says it is the state or condition of people who are able to act and speak freely: the power to do or choose what you want to: a political right.

Ok so basically what I gather from this is that we need to be teaching our children in the home to be thankful that we live in a land where we have the legal right to utilize our God given gift of free agency, and to honor that land, but how do we teach this?

I ran across a talk on LDS.org from 1976. Called Declaration of Dependence: Teaching patriotism in the home by  Robert K. Thomas and Shirley Wilkes Thomas. 

They say " The heart of patriotism, however, lies in attitudes that are rooted in family relationships, for the family unit, in microcosm, undergoes most of the stresses which test the larger societies that make up a nation. The qualities that distinguish patriotism are all of the “homely” variety: respect, integrity, loyalty, self-sacrifice, consideration, fairness, appreciation, and devotion. "

If we are teaching our children these "basic" atributes at home then they will naturally apply them in society. When tested outside of the home, they will fall back on what they have always done. 

I happen to have a child who is on the autism spectrum. She is very intelligent and high functioning, but she does not see anything in grey. It is either black or white. We recently had several friends who made promises they did not keep, who said they would do things then didn't follow through or other such things that we, as humans, do. This has lead her to question the things that I have taught her. Regardless of what our friends, or society as a whole may be doing, it is our job to be the best we can be both within our home and in honoring our Country. I have lovingly explained to my daughter that "In this house, we will continue to be honest, loyal, keep our promises, say only what we mean (without being mean of course) and be the best "Citizens" we can be. While this may be confusing to my children, I refuse to "slack off" when it comes to teaching "homely values". 

While we live in "Perilous times" as Boyd K Paker called them back in 2008, where many of our freedoms are being "tested", we must continue to stand by what we believe and teach our children these beliefs. As Boyd K Paker discussed the saints reaction to finally being free from persecution he replays the following events from history "Now on this 24th of July in 1849, free at last from the mobbings, they planned to celebrate. ⁸

Everything the Saints owned would come across a thousand miles (1,600 km) of desert by handcart or covered wagon. It would be 20 more years before the railroad came as far as Salt Lake City. With almost nothing to work with, they determined that the celebration would be a grand expression of their feelings.

They built a bowery on Temple Square. They erected a flagpole 104 feet (32 m) tall. They made an enormous national flag 65 feet (20 m) in length and unfurled it at the top of this liberty pole.

It may seem puzzling, incredible almost beyond belief, that for the theme of this first celebration they chose patriotism and loyalty to that same government which had rejected and failed to assist them. What could they have been thinking of? If you can understand why, you will understand the power of the teachings of Christ.

Their brass band played as President Brigham Young led a grand procession to Temple Square. He was followed by the Twelve Apostles and the Seventy.

Then followed 24 young men dressed in white pants; black coats; white scarves on their right shoulders; coronets, or crowns, on their heads; and a sheathed sword at their left sides. In their right hand, of all things, each carried a copy of the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution of the United States. The Declaration of Independence was read by one of those young men.

Next came 24 young women dressed in white, blue scarves on their right shoulders and white roses on their heads. Each carried a Bible and a Book of Mormon.

Almost but not quite as amazing as their choice of patriotism for a theme was what came next: 24 aged sires (as they were called) led by patriarch Isaac Morley. They were known as the Silver Greys—all 60 years of age or older. Each carried a staff painted red with white ribbon floating at the top. One carried the Stars and Stripes. These men were a symbol of the priesthood, which was “from the beginning before the world was” ⁹and had been restored in this dispensation.

The Saints knew that the Lord had told them to be “subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law.” ¹⁰ That commandment, revealed then, is true now of our members in every nation. We are to be law-abiding, worthy citizens.

The Lord told them, “I established the Constitution of this land, by the hands of wise men whom I raised up unto this very purpose.” “… As we have inherited the spirit of liberty and the fire of patriotism from our fathers, so let them descend [unchanged] to our posterity.”¹¹ ” ^{Elder Phineas Richards}

I love how the word "unchanged" is highlighted in this quote. Although things around us are changing, our love for our Country, Our desire to continue to fight for our freedoms, Our appreciation for our freedoms is something we shall continue to teach our chilren to appreciate. Having been born into the United States, many of us take these things for Granted. 

I remember at one point during our adoption process we were filling our paperwork which said to state our religion. I didn't even think twice before writing LDS. Sadly, within seconds, my paper was returned and I was told to "re-think" that answer. I was advised that since we were adopting from a foreign Country without as many freedoms it might be wise to be "less specific". I altered the form to say simply "Christian". I later questioned "what could they do anyways?" It was explained to me that many times paperwork for LDS people came up missing. Their adoptions were denied or other similar things. Other Countries are not blessed with the same freedoms we are. My children have learned a lot about appreciation for what we have after having witnessed what little kids from other Countries truly have. The Thomas' mention in their 1976 talk that "the child who equates freedom with indulgence may never understand the consideration for others that is fundamental to a workable democracy" 

My children watched as their brothers came home tiny and barely even knowing how to eat. Not knowing how to play with toys because they never had any. Not knowing how to walk, talk or communicate because their "rights" were taken from them because they were different. I think it was at that point that my children learned to love and respect this Country in a whole new way. It is imperative that we teach our not only to appreciate freedom, but not to take it for granted. To continue to fight for it and to honor those that fight on our behalf. As parents, as saints, as citizens it is our duty to teach patriotism and liberty to our children, our friends, our fellow citizens. It is a commandment of God.

I want to talk a second to thankmy father, Gordon, who served 20 years serving our Country, fighting for our freedom and instilling in me Love and Respect for My Country.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen. 

Acceptance

It seems that often times in life we are faced with trials that we just do not understand. The loss of Adam is right at the top of my list of hardest trials. I experienced a huge range of emotion with Anger rating highest on that list. While I had always known God had a plan, at that point in my life, I just could not see it. In my mind, I still believed it was true, but my heart was too broken to see reason!! After 8 months, I am started to accept that God's plan is perfect even though I am still in pain. I feel honored to have been chosed to be the Mom of a PERFECT ANGEL here on Earth, and guess what?!?! He is mine FOREVER. While I should have been thankful that Adam was not forced to endure more pain and misery in this life, I was so focused on Anger and Questioning.... WHY ME?!?!? If asked again this very minute to endure the pain of losing Adam again 1 million times just to have a few more moments of time with him, I would not hesitate. The joy he brought into this World was something so beautiful, I wish I could have shared him with EVERYONE!!! Do not get me wrong, I miss him something fierce, I cry often and still sometimes wonder why, but I also know that it is not mine to know at this time. I need to trust God's plan!

The difference 9 months made is AMAZING!!!

 Adam before

Adam after 9 months home

Matthias' kinda first word

Matthas has been doing surprisingly well since they activated his cochlear implants.

He is currently on his 5th map (program). We will go in on Monday to add 2-3 more.

Here are some videos from when he heard the first time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dlJVe_KEzQk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XT3VZXxgsHQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCxoXqS2tqU

On the 2nd day, he was loving sounds. He was even looking for where it was coming from.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lH2CKZDSFoI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWB3aU_-tYg

We are 1 weeks shy of one month hearing and he has already learned sooo much. He is making new sounds all the time. 

Less than 24 hours activated he started to say the mmmm sound and make some other non distinct new noises.

Last night he was making 2 new sounds. The t sound (although he makes it by popping his toungue) and the sh sound. As you can imagine I was one very proud mama.....

Well, until he put the 2 sounds together. He would make the shhh sound then pop out a t sound. At first I did not think anything of it, but after about 10 minutes of this "pattern" it started to sound like a word.... Just think about it for a minute....

Yeah, I do not think I am putting that as his first word in his baby book LOL

We do not use that word, so I know it was just a fluke that he put the 2 together.... Wonder how the school will enjoy his new sounds :)

How does a Cochlear implant work?

Since Matthias' C.I. (Cochlear implant) surgery last week, I realized that many people actually have no idea what a cochlear implant does. 

The first step in getting a cochlear implant is surgery.

Basically, during the surgery, a device is place under the skin (The white #3 in this pic). There is a string of electrodes that is connected to this device which is fed through the cochlea. The cochlea is blue in this picture. That white sting is what is inserted. 

This might surprise you (it did me), but this surgery takes about 2 hours per ear. A lot of times, doctors only do one ear at a time. If they do not work, they want to preserve hearing in at least one ear. Once a cochlear implant is placed, you cannot go back to a hearing aid.

Matthias did not have any hearing to preserve, so we did both ears.

This is what the bandage looks like after surgery.

 After 24 hours, you remove the bandages, and there are steri strips underneath.

A lot of people assume that at this point a person can hear.

That is not the case. At this point, you must allow the body to heal.

They used to wait 4-6 weeks, but now they only wait 2 weeks.

2 weeks after surgery, after the surgeon has agreed, you meet with you audiologist to get "activated".

These "processors" are actually what helps the person the hear.

The one on the left is worn behind the ear. The one on the right can be clipped on clothing, arm bands, head bands etc. The one on the right can also be made water proof.

 This is a picture of a child wearing the water proof one.

 This is a picture of a child wearing the behind the ear one.

Matthias will be getting both types for each ear. So, he can wear either kind.

Now how do these processors help a person with cochlear implants hear?

1. A sound processor worn behind the ear or on the body, captures sound and turns it into digital code. The sound processor has a battery that powers the entire system.
2. The sound processor transmits the digitally-coded sound through the coil on the outside of your head to the implant.
3. The cochlear implant converts the digitally-coded sound into electrical impulses and sends them along the electrode array placed in the cochlea (the inner ear).
4. The implant's electrodes stimulate the cochlea's hearing nerve, which then sends the impulses to the brain where they are interpreted as sound.

So, will Matthias hear instantly once they turn the processor on?

In theory, yes, he will, BUT there is a catch. The brain still has to interpret what is being heard. This means a path from the auditory nerve to the part of the brain that interprets sound must be formed. For a person who has already heard before, the path is mainly formed. They just need to build a small bridge from "normal hearing" to what is called "bionic hearing". For someone like Matthias, however, this process is much more challenging.

I like to use metaphors, so here it goes.....

Imagine you are standing in this field. Where you are standing is where the sound enters the brain. See that tree over there? Far in the distance. Imagine that is the part of the brain that interprets sound. You have to find a way to build a path to get from point a to point b.

Some people make this seem simple because they may have a piece of heavy equipment to clear the path. 

With a machine like that, you could clear a path large enough for a semi truck in no time flat.

Other people may have something like a tiller to create their path.

With this machine, you could still build a decent path, and you could do it rather quickly, but there is no way a semi truck would fit through the first time you went through. Plus it would take a bit more effort to clear the path.

While other still have a small and simple weed eater to create their path with.

With this simple hand held tool, you can still clear the field, but it will not be an easy task. After a short time, you could walk through or maybe even ride a bike, but there would be no semi trucks riding through any time soon.

Why do I mention a semi truck?

Well, here is your answer. The more complex a sound, the larger path it needs to get through. A horn honking, something breaking, etc may be equivalent to a bike going through the field. Meanwhile, a more complex sound like a instrument or tune may be something like a car traveling through the field. Something super complex like language is equivalent to a semi truck driving though the field. Depending on the "tool" you are using (how quickly your brain adapts), and on how quickly your brain becomes exhausted will make a huge difference in determining how long it takes for a person to know what they are hearing. It can also make a huge difference in whether or not a person will understand speech and how long that will take. 

Some people may never be able to make a complete path. There may be a river, road block or something in the way. They may be able to get by on foot (meaning they can hear simple non complex sounds), but their semi truck (language) may never make it through (they may never develop language). 

The older a person is when they start communicating has a major effect on which tool they are using and their likeness of having a major road block. 

Doctors on not optimistic that Matthias will ever speak and understand language.

He does not have any communication yet, and he is almost 8 years old.

In the case of cochlear implants and forming the path of communication, Matthias' delays in development could benefit him. Because he is still learning things that 1-2 year olds are learning, his brain may pick up and interpret sound easier than a "typical developing" child his age. There is only one way to find out..... Trial.

I will keep you all posted on Matthias' progress.

His activation date is November 10th

What is it like to lose a child?

I pray that most of you reading this do not comprehend the pain of losing a child. 

Whether you held that child for one day, one year, or even one decade, the pain is unimaginable.

None of us will truly understand the pain of another..... even if we have been through a similar situation.

I get asked a lot..... Are you ok? My answer is NO! I am not ok.....At least not yet. And I will never be OK like I was before my son died. 

I must admit though, I thought the same thing when I lost a pregnancy in the 2nd trimester. I did learn to live again and handle the pain. Then when we lost of a commitment of a child we had planned to adopt because he was moved to an orphanage that did not do international adoption. The pain was even worse that time. After receiving new videos multiple times a week because we had a missionary friend there, it felt like he was already here in so many ways. Then when I lost Adam. After loving him, holding him, caring for him...... It was not like my other losses. This one cut much deeper. It was much harder.

The best comparison I can come up with is knee surgery.

Many of you probably do not know this, but I have had a couple knee surgeries.

When you first start experiencing the pain, and you are having trouble holding up your own weight, you know that this is going to be a long road. When the pain hits it's peak (the loss occurs... even though you knew it was coming), you feel like you will never walk again. You will never be the same again. Then after a while (for everyone is different), you take the doctor's (or God's in the case of a loss) advice. You try to walk again. You aren't good at it at first. People can still see your pain. They can see your limp. You have their sympathy, their help, their compassion. Then over time, without even realizing it, your limp fades, you start to run again, and sometimes you forget all about the pain that at one time felt like it was consuming you.

Then suddenly, you are walking down a path, doing what you think is right, minding your own business, when out of nowhere something knocks you down and you are instantly at the peak of your pain. No notice. No time to prepare. Emergency surgery is a must! You are instantly knocked down and you doubt you will ever walk again without pain. It may take longer this time, but , like before, you gradually decide to walk. To put some weight on your leg. Over time, your limp may fade, or it may stay. Either way, you are walking again. You being to walk faster and faster until you can keep up with the pace of life without many people noticing the "knee" that once held you back.

Well, this last one is the surgery of all surgeries. 

Your legs were literally swept out from under you. You fell and you fell hard. No amount of preparation could have prepared you for the intensity of this pain. All the other pains seem tiny now. Your knee will never work the same again. Doctors go in and do a complete knee replacement. They do their best to put all the pieces back together and use artificial (new things) to fill in the gaps where the hole was left. With the help of others, you may take a couple steps. Those steps still hurt. Even with the help of others, with the therapy, and with the crutches they give you, you don't want to walk. Why bother? I will never be able to walk the same again. My life will never be the same again. What's the point? Your body (kids, family etc) needs you. It is not healthy to not keep on walking. Some people may even try to force you to walk before you are ready. Eventually you may take a few steps on your own. One of two thing will likely happen. 1) You will be proud of the steps you made, and want to take more. OR 2) You will fall and wonder why you even bothered trying, and you may have no desire to try again. Either way, at some point, whether by choice or out of necessity, you will start walking. The pain will still be there for a long time. Your limp will be worse and more noticeable than before. After all, part of you is missing. They may have tried their best to fill them in, but those parts will never work quite the same ever again. Eventually you will start walking better. Some days you may even forget about the pain that is always with you. Then something may happen. You trip. You stumble. You fall. Suddenly the pain is almost as real as the day it happened. You may not want to walk again. You may need more help. You may need your crutches again. You never know what days will be good and what days will be bad until you get up and take your first steps. At the end of the day though, you are thankful you are walking again. Even if the pain still consumes you. 

I haven't gotten to this point yet, but I think that maybe, just maybe, I may forget for more than a few moments the pain the consumes me and be thankful for the time I had without pain. The joy I had running and laughing. Maybe one day, I will even run and laugh again. For right now, I will continue to limp through life just waiting for the day I can run for a while and not be consumed by pain. For today, I embrace the pain because before the pain, I had joy!

His Last Day

I remember the last day I had with my son like it was yesterday even though it has been an agonizing 3 months. I started sleeping downstairs on the couch right next to him, or holding him..... However he was most comfortable, a couple weeks before. I had spoken to as many doctors as I could all with the same thing to say..... There is nothing more we can do. They never actually said he was gonna die. I guess it was too hard for them to admit, or they thought I would break down. I'm not sure why exactly. Finally, my primary care doctor, his primary care doctor, told me straight out that he did not have much time. He got him started with some pain meds to keep him comfortable, and I set up a meeting with our end of life care team to set up hospice. Just a couple days later, it was a Sunday, we had decided to move him, which we hadn't done in a while (more than around the house I mean). We went to Kevin's parents house. I figured his grandparents and cousins should see him one last time. It was that day that I knew it would be soon. My son was dying and there was nothing we could do for him. He was on several meds for pain..... 4 I believe. Nothing was helping. I called our specialized team of doctors to see who was on call around 7 pm. Adam was screaming. He could not eat anything at all without being sick. Should I rush him to the ER like I had so many times before? Call 911 like we had several times before? They told me last time I rushed him in that they could do nothing to help him. They were willing to admit him, but he would die in a hospital room instead of at home. Was that what I wanted for my precious child? No, he deserved to be surrounded by those who loved him. When the on-call doc called my back they added a few more meds. We basically sedated him, and they called a hospice team directly. Our appt was still a couple weeks out, and I felt certain that he did not have that long. We got set up on Tuesday with hospice. The doctors or nurses or therapists or or or... someone came every day. Sometimes multiple people sometimes multiple times per day. They brought more meds. At this point there was nothing more we could do other than keep him comfortable. We had an insane schedule of meds. I had them written down, and the longest interval was 2 hours. Not that I could sleep anyways. Always afraid he would take his last breath alone. Starting Wednesday night, I would only sleep if I was holding him. He could only be held for a short time before he had to be repositioned. Nights and Days were the same. Family and friends came in to see Adam and to help with the other kids. 

Thursday night, things went from bad to worse. He was struggling for every single breath. Something no child, no person should every have to do. I called hospice. I asked them how long this would go on for. They said from 12 hours up to several days. At that point, I did something I never thought I would do, and something I wish nobody ever has to do. I prayed to God to take him as soon as he could. I could not watch my baby suffer any longer. My husband was working nights at the time, and as he quickly deteriorated throughout the night, I knew I had to call him and tell him to come home. I called immediate family and friends. This would be their last chance to say goodbye. 

They wanted to hold him, but I could not make myself let him go. Finally, only because I literally had to get up and go to the bathroom, I let a couple of people hold him and say goodbye. I came right back and took my limp baby into my arms. He was still struggling, but he held on. I know he did it for me. He fought for me! I wasn't ready! You cannot prepare for something like this. Some people may say that I only had him for 9 months. I was with this sweet child of MINE for almost every minute of 9 months!!! We were rarely more than a room apart, and only a few times did I leave him with his loving Grandparents. Even then I would not go more than 5 miles away so I could be back to him quickly. He was delicate and fragile from the minute he came home. The damage they had done by not providing medical care for 6.5 years was irreversible. 

Several times throughout the day on Friday, I thought about changing my mind. I could revoke hospice and rush him to the hospital. They have to make it so he can live a little longer. Maybe just maybe they will find a new cure. Maybe they will be able to fix the damage after all. Then my love for my son won out over my own selfish desire to keep him with me for longer. I could not let my child. My precious and tiny 7 year old son, suffer another minute. 

I knew I had to let him go. I also knew it would be the hardest thing I could do. 

Friday afternoon came around, we had passed the 12 hours, he was still suffering regardless of how many meds he was on. He was miserable. I prayed and prayed for God to let him be free. At 7 pm his heart began to slow. His breathes were getting further and further apart. I knew his time was near. I tried to be strong for him. I told him over and over how much I loved him. My sister, who had worked in a hospital, had seen people die. She knew the stages. She lovingly walked us through the process. My husband and I, our best friends, my sister and her oldest daughter, my parents..... we all sat waiting, watching and crying. 

Then it happened. He stopped breathing. His pulse was weak and fading. We all gathered close and said our goodbyes. Then suddenly, as if he just couldn't bear to leave, he gasped. It startled me! Then slowly and steadily, he started breathing again. It was still very labored and agonizing, but he could not let go. We decided next time this happened we would all be quiet and still.

A couple hours later, sometime after 9pm, it started happening again. I held his hand while he was in my arms, and I softly whispered "It's ok. Go ahead and go."

His breathes grew further and further apart again. His pulse slowed. His breathing stopped, but I could visibly see his heart beating. It was slowing. Everything seemed to be in slow motion. At one point, my heart was beating so hard that it shook both of our bodies. My heart was seemingly beating hard enough for both of us. Then it happened. His heart stopped. My baby boy was gone. 

Have you ever held a person, a child, as they died? 

The strangest thing happened. The fluid/blood that was bulging visibly out of his head went away.

The pain was gone out of his face.

He was finally free from pain. Possibly for the first time in his entire life.

He was an angel here on Earth lent to us for a short time.

He changed the lives of all who knew him.

He couldn't walk, crawl, talk, or hardly move, but he had an impact on the World.

He definitely changed my family..... He blessed us far more than you can imagine.

I miss you little man!!

Brittany's Baptism

I haven't been able to bring myself to blog since Adam passed. It just hasn't seemed important.

Today we have something worth sharing.

My sweet Brittany was baptized.

A very dear friend of ours, Ryan, was also baptized.

Ryan's baptism was first :)

 Our 2 eight year olds. They were so cute together!

 This is what Matthias did during the baptism..... yeah he is reverent like that :)

 Handsome boy

 My little Kebby. I just adore him

 Alyssa

 Matt grabbed onto Adam and made him lead the way :)

 Two of my newest friends and amazing people!! I just love them.

 I am pretty sure Kait is trying to figure out what is wrong with these 2.

On a side note both Adam and Kevin are wearing their "Adam" ties that they wore to Adam's funeral and the last time I was in this room was for the luncheon following the funeral :(

 Matthias kept climbing under the table to play..... He just loves being on the ground

 He is a sandwich model. ;)

 Silly Grandma made Brittany's dress and Crazy grandma made her an awesome CTR necklace :)

 Brittany and her great grandpa 

 Kaitlyn is so tall for 9..... She is almost as tall as grandpa GG

 My 2 oldest in the dresses grandma made for them

 Matthias loving getting tickled by Sondra

 Later in the day, it was Brittany's turn to be baptized.

 We had a few photo bombers....

 I love this picture..... Thanks Grandma for the bunny ears that Britt found very amusing. 

 We had a great turn out and Matthias got a chance to hang out with lots of family. 

 Ryan was so cute with his new scriptures

 After the baptism, we had everyone back to our house. There were people everywhere.

 Brittany and her Great Grandma