Tuesday, April 26, 2011
The baby that I know, but nobody else got to meet
Sticking with our plan we wanted our kids to be close in age. So, the plan was to have another child in early 2008. So in late 2007 we began trying to have our 3rd child. I found out I was pregnant right around Kaitlyn's 3rd birthday in Feb 2008. We were so excited! I had been sure with Brittany that I was having a boy, but this was different. Almost as soon as I found out I was pregnant I was scared for no known reason. I was considered high risk immediately since I had already had 2 premature babies, so my doctor saw me for the first time when I was only 6-7 weeks along. I had an ultrasound and saw the one thing that makes every mom smile... that little heart beat. I was so happy, but still felt nervous. I asked my bishop for a blessing to try to calm my fears. He blessed me that my baby boy would be well taken care of, and that Gods plan would be hard on me. Keep in mind at this time there was nothing medically that would cause anyone to think that our Angel would not survive. I was shocked and over the next month received 1-2 other blessings that all said similar things. My son would be cared for, but not by me. About a week or 2 later March 17, 2008, we received a phone call that Kevin's grandpa had passed away. It was in that moment that I knew... as soon as we walked into the hospital I began bleeding. This was when I knew that The Lord had been preparing me to be able to accept this.... the loss of my only son. I went to the hospital the next day, and they did an ultrasound. They put my tiny baby on the screen and showed us the heartbeat. It was weak but it was there... they checked everything else, and by the time they went back to his heartbeat it was gone. The doctor looked and me and told me my baby was dead. He little died while we watched him on the screen. I didn't know what to think or what to do.... I didn't want to believe it. I couldn't believe even though I knew in my heart that he was gone. I went to another doctor and got a 2nd opinion. Exactly a month later with all the same sadness in my heart I went to the hospital for a D&C (April 18, 2008 just 4 days after my birthday). That was one of the worst experiences in my life. As soon as I was out of surgery the doctor told me that they almost lost me during surgery, so they didn't get to finish the surgery. I had already lost more blood than I should have, and I was still hemorrhaging. They still sent me home less than an hour later in miserable pain. I didn't stop bleeding for over a month. After only 2 days of bleeding, I was so weak I couldn't even stand on my own. Kevin took of work for 3 weeks to help take care of me and the girls. I was passing blood clots the size of golf balls several every day. It still stands as the worst experience of my life. Not only did I have to grieve the loss of a child, but my children almost lost their mother. To top it all off, my work said I had to come back to work after just 4 days. I tried, but could barely stand on my own. I basically lost my job for asking for additional time off, and had to find a new job. I got called selfish, rude, thoughtless and every other name in the book because people had to cover my shifts at work. As if what I was going through wasn't hard enough. This event in my life has only made me a better mother and a stronger person. I know that I will get the chance to raise my child someday. I still think of him often, and know that he is not gone. I will see him again and for that I will be eternally grateful. I love all 4 of my children even though I only get to hold 3 of them!